Saturday, April 26, 2014

That Guy



The post-show meeting had run well past the time his stomach clock normally kicked him into getting lunch, but when their meals arrived, Charlie’s appetite vanished.
“What’s up with you?” Liza asked. “Too many donuts on the set?”
Charlie poked at a California roll and glanced out the window of the small Japanese restaurant that faced Eighth Avenue. He didn’t know if it was a conspiracy or a coincidence, but the streets of Manhattan seemed inordinately packed with happy couples that afternoon. Clinging together as they moved briskly through the January chill, they seemed to underscore his current undercurrent of angst. “I don’t want to be that guy.”
She looked up from her miso soup. “What guy?”
“You know. That guy. The guy in the movie. He’s sitting in the coffee shop like a schmuck when the love of his life runs off to meet Mr. Wonderful at the top of the Empire State Building.”
“Well, for one, he’d have to be a schmuck to leave you behind in a coffee shop…”
“Thank you.”
“And two…aren’t we being a little dramatic?”
He sniffed. “Says the girl who cried at the end of Gone with the Wind.”
“I cried because I was bored to tears and wanted it to be over. Frankly, I didn’t give a damn.”
“Philistine.” He grinned and gave her leg a light tap under the table with his foot.
“So where’s this coming from?” Liza set down her spoon and nabbed a slice of avocado from his plate.
Charlie shrugged. “Just a feeling. Things have been a little…quiet lately on the romantic front. And odd.”
“Define odd.”
He sank back into his chair and absent-mindedly drummed his fingers against the tablecloth. “If someone gave you the keys to a candy store after you’d been held prisoner for, say, almost twenty years, what would you do?”
“Dig in and find a good dentist?”
“Funny.”
“What, you think The Congressman’s taking his, um, business elsewhere?”
“It’s crossed my mind. Who stays with their first—” He realized what he’d said a second before her eyes registered it. “Sorry. I didn’t mean…”
“I get it.” The small, dark cloud dissipated from her face and she lowered her voice. “You were a nice first. Still, I think he’d be a schmuck. And if he hurts you, I might just have to kill him.”
“You’re sweet.” Then he pulled out his phone. “So, this is what confuses me. Zero contact for three days, and right before I left for work….”
He scrolled to the message and pushed the cell toward her.
Her brows flew up, brown eyes widening, and when she smiled, so did he. “Expect big news usual time?”
“It’s code,” Charlie said. “We do code. It’s kinda cute.”
“Adorable.” She slid the phone back. “I wish my guy sent me fortune cookies.”
Charlie stared at the screen, reconfiguring the pixels into a more positive line of thought. “Last time we talked, he said the divorce is almost final. You think…?”
“That he wants to take your relationship up a notch?” Liza’s eyes glowed. Actually, her whole face glowed. It wasn’t just a Hollywood myth. “Will I finally get to meet him?”
“I don’t want to jinx it,” he said.
She made a face at him. “How does meeting me jinx it?”
“Oh, god, I don’t know. I’m sorry. It’s just that…” He remembered how his insides had twisted up when he’d looked into Joshua’s eyes for the first time. Their gazes meeting over the man’s askew tie knot. Knowing, somehow, that something more profound than a flash of lust had passed between them. “He could be the lid to my pot. Like Mom said. And I don’t want to screw it up.”
As she pressed a hand over his, Liza’s phone warbled with Adam’s ring tone. “Speaking of pots, there’s my lid.”
Charlie gestured that she should take it.
“Hi, hon.” He heard his brother’s voice. “Uh-huh. Sure. No, I don’t mind. I won’t be too late. Oh, and please don’t forget to clean the litter box. No, really. The doctor said I shouldn’t touch it.” She laughed. “No, he’s not just making that up to get you to do more stuff around the house.”
Whether a result of the pregnancy or the couples counseling, it warmed Charlie to hear his brother and Liza getting along a little better. He excused himself to the men’s room to give them some privacy. After he’d lingered long enough over washing his hands, he paused at the mirror, molding a few strands of dark blond hair back into his careful coif. Glancing around quickly to make sure no one was watching, he practiced a few surprised faces. Stop it, he thought. It’s too soon. Even if the divorce is final, cut the guy some slack. Expect big news usual time. Maybe that is his big news. The papers have been signed, so one day we might…
Lifting his blue-green eyes to his reflection once more, he gaped at how tired he appeared. Maybe if he could sneak away from the studio early, he’d have time for a nap before Mr. Big News landed. Right. Like he could sleep.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

The Laurie Boris Emotional Idiot Grant


(This is a piece I wrote to perform at the Woodstock Writers Festival Story Slam. The topic, "I am an emotional idiot" was inspired by the work of author Maggie Estep, who died earlier this year.)

When it comes to breaking up with men, I am an emotional idiot at genius levels. Maybe that’s why I’ve been with the same guy for over twenty-five years.

See, I don’t want to HURT anyone…so I string out the breakups. I procrastinate. Maybe until… one of us moves to another city…or he gets married…

Breaking up with the average guy was hard enough, but I’m partial to creative men.

Creative men are so sexy. They sing songs about you, they write poetry about you, they want to paint you naked…holding fruit, for some reason. Or a kitten. Yeah, because when I’m hanging out naked, I relish the idea of eighteen razor sharp claws gripping my bare flesh. Or…fruit salad.

Creative men are great…or at least the ones I’ve chosen were. Until I had to break up with them. Until my vagina, that traitor, no longer wanted sonnets and glitter, but that angsty guy in the corner who smelled like turpentine. Or the one with the suspiciously long fingernail that could double as a guitar pick.

Oh, they were all basically nice about it while I was slipping the equivalent of a passive/aggressive butter knife into their hearts. I’m sorry for wasting your time, one said …I’m sorry, you need someone more assertiveI’m sorry, you need someone heterosexual… One of them who liked to cook for me told me I would starve without him. I did a particularly bad job of breaking up with that one.

But then, these spurned creative men went home and started … processing…and talking to their therapists. Or their men’s groups. Who told them to sublimate their pain into their art. I have inspired so much post-idiotic-breakup art that someone should name a grant after me.

I broke up badly with a comic book artist, and somewhere out there I am a she-devil of a villainess with a butt-ugly costume and the smallest rack ever seen on a comic book female.

I broke up with a musician, and I’m the subject of a song where the guy’s best friend runs off with his girl and he really misses him.

I broke up with a painter, so, in some avant-garde gallery in Boston, I’m naked with six eyes and three breasts and seven pieces of fruit and a double-pawed kitten.

I broke up with a writer and now I’m a series of evil bitches whose names begin with “L” in thinly veiled autobiographical fiction.

I even broke up with my husband while we were dating. In a case of pre-emptive emotional idiocy, I waited until he painted my portrait and carried it from New York to Boston on a train to break up with him.

If he dismembered me on canvas afterward, he was nice enough not to share it with the world.

Fortunately for me, and unfortunately for the hopeful recipients of the Laurie Boris Emotional Idiot Grant, the creative guy who would become my husband took me back a year later. The portrait still hangs in my writing room, fully clothed, without kittens, without fruit. Partly as a gift…and partly as a warning. Because there’s a hell of a lot of room on that thing for a few more breasts and eyeballs.